Do What U Want

On first listen, I thought this was a song about R. Kelly and Lady Gaga getting nasty in the back of a club… because, you know, that’s kind of what it’s about. And I’ll be honest: Getting nasty in the back of the club isn’t really my thing.

But I couldn’t help listening again, and loving it anyway, because that first line had me:

“I feel good, I walk alone
But then I trip upon myself and I fall
I stand up, and then I’m ok
But then you print the shit
That makes me wanna scream”

 I mean, I really. couldn’t. help it. Because that first line is me – both literally (I’m a super klutz, what can I say?) and figuratively.

A year ago this week, I was filing for divorce. After my husband flipped the futon on me (metal frame and all), I had arranged an intervention, and he had just the most complete non-response I had ever seen… I was finally finished.

Of course, my husband was the son of the perfect principal and the perfect police officer living the perfect life in the perfect little town, so we kept it pretty hush hush. No one outside the family even knew I had filed for divorce, let alone had any inkling as to why I would have.

So when word slowly started to seep out, rumors started to fly. Who was this woman, teaching in a Christian school, divorcing her husband for no apparent reason? And then later, when I started dating a man – a truly wonderful man, who absolutely treats me like the Awesome Amazing Jewel That I Am – rumors really flew.

And I realized, of course, that’s what Lady Gaga was really singing about: Screw people, and what they may say about you – they don’t make you who you are.

So I was thinking about all this, a year later, as I was running this morning, and “Do What U Want” was playing on my iPod. I was thinking about it this morning, because right before I went running, I read this article that one of my friends linked on Facebook:


f3d5e620-2a09-0132-0942-0eae5eefacd9And when I read this article, I thought to myself, “I really admire this woman.”

Not because she’s brave. That would imply that she should have something to be afraid of – that there’s something inherently strange about her body or her wanting to wear a bikini, that she should expect to be treated differently than someone else who wears a bikini.

No. I admire her because she is obviously COMFORTABLE with her body and LOVES it. And that’s not something I’ve ever really had.

I’m 5′ 7″ and 153 lbs. The BMI says I’m a healthy weight. My boyfriend says I’m beautiful and gorgeous and sexy, and I believe that he thinks so, but I still don’t think so. I still feel like I’m ugly and undesirable. That my thighs look gross in shorts, and that I’d offend someone or embarrass myself if I wore a bikini in public.

These are the lies that live inside my head… my monster, as I like to call it, that whispers hurtful untruths in my ear, trying to tear me down, and make me less awesome.

I’m here to call that monster out. Psalm 139 says, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made; all your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” That means me. And that means you. And that means that whatever anyone else has to say about my body, I am beautiful.

So let’s celebrate our beauty today.

How to Be Awesome Tip #3: Always remember you’re beautiful.


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