Monthly Archives: August 2015

Birthdays

For most people, a birthday is not an arbitrary milestone. It is the anniversary of the day they came into this world – it marks another year of living, laughing, loving, making progress toward their goals & dreams.

For me though, it is an arbitrary milestone. The season leading up to my birthday is difficult… it always reminds me of the worst times of my life, when most people would be thinking of the best times.

This year, I didn’t celebrate on my birthday… why would I? All my family lives far away. My husband is at work (on an oil tanker, on the opposite side of the continent). Even my in laws were out of town. It was okay. It was nice to spend it alone, to not have to smile and pretend to enjoy myself because I really am grateful to have people who want to celebrate my life.

I had already planned to have dinner with my in laws the day after, they insisted, but suddenly something magic happened that morning… I woke up feeling good. I was happy to go celebrate, go eat lasagna (yum!) and carrot cake (yummer!) and open birthday presents. But why? Why Monday and not Sunday?

What a difference a day makes.

Maybe I should always celebrate the day after.

Here’s to making it through the season!

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P90X: Day 30

It’s been 30 days, but I’m actually starting on Day 29 today… had some dental work done, and had to skip a day of working out (two, actually, but one of them was just a stretch day).

Here’s my new stats:

153  x  10   =  1530 Calories
Weight  x  10   =  Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR)

1530  x  .20   =  306 Calories
RMR  x  .20   =  Daily Activity Burn (DAB)

1530  +   306  +  570    =  2406 Calories
RMR  +  DAB  +  P90X  =  Daily Energy Requirement

Measurements & Weight

DAY 0 DAY 30 DAY 60 DAY 90
Weight 158.2 lbs  153.8
Body Mass Index 25.0  24.1
Body Fat % 26.5%  25.7%
Chest 35.50″  35.25″
Waist 33.0″  29.5″
Hips 36.5″  35.0″
Left Thigh 24.0″”  23.0″
Left Bicep (Flexed) 12.0″  12.5″
Left Forearm 9.5″  9.5″
TOTAL INCHES LOST 6.75″

Before & After Photos

Day1-90Compare

So what’s the deal with the dress??? I bought 2 dresses. Usually I wear a medium, but on the size chart for this dress, I was kind of in between medium and large. It was on clearance for $11.00, so I just bought both of them. The first picture is in the large… I was just hoping I’d look decent in it by October (it’s part of my Halloween costume). Then my dog ate a hole in it… -_-

That will teach me to hang a dress prominently in the middle of the living room (aka puppy playground). So I had the medium to fall back on, but I was really skeptical about how I’d look in it. But here I am today, in the medium dress!!! And I already look better in it than I looked in the large 30 days ago.

Taking these pictures has really helped me to actually visualize my progress, which is a lot more motivational than simply tracking my weight in an app. I am going to look great by October!!!

National Infidelity Month

One of the most difficult things for me to come to terms with regarding my first husband’s affairs was that I was partially to blame for them. Not because I couldn’t or wouldn’t believe it – but because I felt an immense amount of shame for alienating him, for being unable to provide the physical affection he desired and needed, for being so willfully blind about it, for ever letting the relationship deteriorate to the point where that was even a consideration to him.

I know that I didn’t make him cheat. A mature, responsible man who was unhappy in a relationship would’ve communicated their unhappiness, attempted to resolve the issue together, or at the very least simply left. But, so would’ve a mature, responsible woman. Neither of us were that, and while I thought that  was mature and responsible, I certainly went into the marriage knowing that he wasn’t. I was practically asking for it.

The fictional Dr. Wilson from House said it best: “She made me feel funny and interesting. And I liked feeling that way.”

SheShe made my ex-husband feel good in a way that I couldn’t. She made him feel attractive and desirable. I couldn’t even kiss him without cringing or pulling away. She found him witty, clever, brilliant. I called him lazy, irresponsible, untrustworthy.

Why wouldn’t he seek comfort in her arms?

I say these things not to torture myself – I’ve accepted my part of the blame, and forgiven both of our failures. But then why does August still feel like National Infidelity Month to me? Every where I turn – TV, radio, internet – people seem to be talking about it. I can tell it’s “that time of the year” from how I’m feeling and what I’m hearing as surely as I can tell it’s “that time of the month” from how much chocolate I’m consuming.

I know it’s my own sensitivity and insecurity. Because I may have forgiven my ex-husband for the affair, and I may have forgiven myself for my own failures in the marriage – but I’m still that person. Still the girl who pushes people away when she’s hurting. Who doesn’t want to talk about it and still smiles and says she’s fine when inside she feels like she’s falling to pieces.

And I worry. What about now, in this marriage? Do I make my husband feel funny and interesting? Do I let him know I’m crazy about him, can’t get enough of him? Do I show him how much I respect and admire him, that I think he’s clever and brilliant (even if I wont always say so because he gets super smug)? I think I do. I certainly hope I do. But what about five years from now? What about ten? Thirty?

I guess the real kicker of infidelity is that I didn’t just come out of it unable to trust my (now) ex-husband – I also came out of it unable to trust myself. Am I really a changed woman? Or am I just one slip up away from alienating another man whom I love deeply?

It’s obviously immensely more complicated than that – but it’s also exactly that simple. Love may not be a choice, but relationships are. And every minute of every day we have the choice to work to keep our relationships strong and healthy, or to simply stand by while they slowly but surely slip away.